10 Things about Kuma

Dear readers,

For my fans both old an new, I want to properly introduce myself again, so you could all get better acquainted your lord and entertainer. Here are 10 fun facts about Kuma that you may not know about before.

1. In a different life, my name was Garrett

I adopted the human at the Linden Friends of Animals shelter. She decided to call me Kuma. I like the name Kuma. Kingly, stately — fitting for a kitty of my stature. Who the heck names a cat Garrett??

Kuma Adoption Papers

2. Before I poop, I must announce the exciting news to all my minions.

I will run excitedly all around the apartment. Poop is coming! poop is coming! MRROW! Poop is coming! OOOF that felt GREAT.

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3. One word: Marshmallows

No words. I don’t know what goes into these delightful little nibbles. Simply delectable. I am not ashamed to say that I would do tricks for a pretty morsel of marshmallow.

4. Textures.

If there’s ANYTHING on the floor that is a different texture, I will put half my body on it. Magazine? Done. Paper? Already on it. Human’s laptop case? Excellent. 

5. It takes 3 full grown humans to trim my claws.

I can’t stand it. If they want my beautiful claws to be shorter, they have to work for it. 

6. I have a distinctive “protest meow”

I have no trouble communicating my displeasure to my human slaves. Slow on food?  Same toy again? Unwanted cuddles? Meow meow meow meow meow. I will get my way.

7. I am very smart.

I mean, this may be stating the obvious. You get a glimpse into my clever, witty mind from my instagram. But did you know I’m also crafty? I can open drawers and cabinets. And to this day my human has no idea how I manage to open her bathroom door too.

8. UTI

One of those extremely unfortunate conditions I have suffered from. Sometimes when my human slave disappears for too long, I get stressed. When I get stressed, I get UTI. I am happy to report that my human slave has done a multitude of things to insure that the UTI never happens again.

9. I have a beautiful double coat.

I shed like a monster, and love the pampered feeling of a good grooming session.


The subsequent Trump-ing is unnecessary, human.

10. I have a needy needy human that needs an uncomfortable amount of cuddles.

See previous posts Cuddles non Grata for details. Grr…

That’s it for now! I am such an interesting, sophisticated kitty I’m sure I missed an interesting fact or two. Follow me on my Instagram and my blog to learn more about me.

~Kuma

Kuma-isms

Dear readers,

Everyone has bad days — you run out of catnip, the human wakes you up for unwanted cuddles, tuna flavor all wrong, etc. It’s rough being a cat you know! You can let these slices of lemons get you down, or if you’re the great Kuma, you give them one big old sassy “f you” to the face. The great Kuma lives by the words: “If life gives you lemons, you take a poop on the lemons and give them a piece of your mind.”

I have gathered some of my favorite Kuma-isms (™ pending) and compiled them into this blog post.

“I’ve stopped listening. Why haven’t you stopped talking?” ~Kuma

A photo posted by Kuma the Great Kitty (@kumanotimpressed) on

~Kuma, so sassy so badass


Lori’s note: I hope these put a big smile on your face. Whatever’s bothering you, strut it off! Channel your inner sassy Kuma attitude.

You are entitled to your opinions. I just don’t care about them.

Don Kuma Cat Pickup Lines Part 2

Dear Readers,

Today we’re continuing with my awesome pickup lines Part 2. Now these are advanced versions of my awesome pickup lines. I should warn you these are not appropriate for everyone in every situation. Let’s get started!

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Does she seem like she has a dark sense of humor? This is the perfect intersection of clever and inappropriate!

Disclaimer: The following may be construed as sexual harassment if you’re not good looking.

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Sometimes being direct is the best way to go!

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Next time when you see that special someone who catches your interest, take a deep breath, and remember the great Kuma’s teachings. You’re welcome!

~Kuma

Don Kuma Cat Pickup Lines Part 1

Dear readers,

Hello this is Kuma. As the winter progresses, I feel the need to get back on track with #ProjectKumaDates… Over the past couple of months, I have been coming up with funny, clever pickup lines that will sure impress any lady out there! I have been sporadically sharing them on instagram. Now you can find them all in one place! I don’t particularly need them as my good looks speak for themselves, so this one is for all you less fortunate suckers out there. I’m so generous.

Let’s start with beginners level, cute pickup lines…

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Ahh you see what I did there? Bait them in with the first one, then BAM go for the kill with the second one. You’re welcome.

You want to convince her that she’s your special snowflake

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Females love feeling special. So make her feel special.

Make clever analogies, kitties love clever analogies

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See how cute the analogies are? You are sure the make an impression with your wit!

It seems like I’ve come up with more clever pickup lines than one post can hold! Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow. Now go practice.

~Don Kuma, ladies man, pleased with himself