Kuma the Narcissist

Hello readers, it’s Kuma this week. I read Hana’s funny funny post last week. I will deal with her insubordination in due time. Today is all about me though.
The human told the story of Narcissus, a Greek god who fell in love with his own beautiful reflection. I believe this “Narcissus” guy must be my mythological soulmate (minus the drowning himself part, I’m smarter than that). I too, get caught off guard at my own beauty all the time.

I believe I constantly get away with mischief due to my perfectly devilishly handsome face. How can anyone resist a face like this?

I have 99 problems but a pretty face ain’t one. Human, you may need makeup, but the great Kuma is going au naturale.

On great hair days like this, I just don’t know what to do with myself. Perfect face, perfect fluff. The human just can’t help herself but offer up more tuna.

I think that as a society, we are too consumed by media and don’t notice the beauty of the world around us. Beauty like me. Really, human, why do you need this shiny TV when you can just look at me and pet me and feed me and indulge me?

Mirror mirror on the wall, I know I’m the fairest of them all. That is all.

~Kuma, a bit self-absorbed

Hana’s Scheme (Guest post!)

Ahh, Kuma is taking is signature long long dumps. It is the perfect time to scheme! Kuma think I’m a silly kitty who steals his IG, throne, and human once in awhile. But I’m a kitty with much bigger ambitions! I will permanently dethrone him, and claim the human as my own.

First I must get stronger. These are mommy’s very impressive 2 lb dumbbells. Pushing against it wills surely get me the strength I need to take down Kuma.

Next start with attacking small objects. Snowflake A, that’s Kuma stealing my food. Pow! Snowflake B, that’s Kuma occupying precious human cuddle times! Hah!

And then move on to something more Kuma sized. Okay. Too soon. I’m not ready for this.

I guess for now I’ll settle for the tactic of pretending to like Kuma and snuggling up.

Sighhh all the scheming and plotting is making me tirrreed. Good night dear readers.

~Hana, oblivious that she just divulged all her plans on Kuma’s blog for him to read later.

Kuma Home Alone (okay fine, Hana’s still around too)

Day 1.

The human failed to return home today. No matter, there is a human substitute servant in the quarters. The substitute pets me, feeds me, and dotes on me. This is nice.

Day 2.

Hana is panicking. She seems to think the human is dead. She whines and whines. Hmph, silly Hana. Who cares if there’s a steady food supply?

Day 4.

The sun has set, yet again. Where is the human? has she forgotten her duties with the great Kuma? Is she dead? Is she never coming back? I shall sit here. Guard the door. When she comes back, I’ll give her a piece of my mind.


Day 5.

Ack, the other human in the house is feeding me. I swear she’s doing it wrong. It tastes completely different. I don’t feel like eating…. I don’t feel like playing…. I don’t feel like doing anything really…

Day 6.

At last! Mommy is back!

I mean… egh it’s the pesky human again… I must work on a guideline on how to prevent the human from ever leaving us again. Where do you think you’re going hm? Drop the luggage now.

Lori’s note: When I travel, my roommate feeds and takes care of my cats. According to her, Kuma gets separation anxiety. Please cat, you can pretend you’re a badass, you can pretend you don’t like cuddles, but you know you love me ← crazy cat lady here.

While Hana is a super loving cat to everyone, she is very attached to me. When I’m not around, she doesn’t approach other people, and just wallows in her room.

I feel loved <3 Whoever tells you cats don’t care about their owners obviously never cared for one before.

Remember, I am judging you ~ Kuma’s signature looks

Ever wonder where the name Kuma Not Impressed came from? It is because I, Kuma, have perfected the kingly look of disdain. It may just be a look, but alas not ever cat has the gift. The trick is to really embrace the disdain and thoroughly judge your subjects from head to toe. Here are some of my signature looks for your reference. Think of this as your lording 101 guide.

The one eyebrow raised look

I first discovered this look when I saw Hana strutting around like she’s all that. One of my favorite judge-y looks, as it is applicable in almost every situation.

The loaf of wrath

My human mistakenly think that cat loafs are “omgah so cute so adorable so cuddly”. This is a reminder that even when in loaf form, Kuma is better than you. The trick to this look is the subtle airplane ears.

The throne

I will always be looking down on you, even when I am not on my throne. You will always be subservient and disappointing.

The very important “how dare you disturb my slumber” look

This one is almost always directed at the human, who somehow thinks that it’s appropriate to bury her face in my fur when I’m napping.

The quintessential I am sorely disappointed look

Another one of my favorites applicable in many situations.
This is my go to look to let my human know I am very much not impressed. Not impressed with the feeding schedule. Not impressed with catnip dosage. Not impressed with choice of kitty roommate (ugh Hana!). Just not impressed.

Hana tried to replicate my sharp, judging, lording eyes.

“Kuma Kuma! I practiced! How does this look?” ~ Hana the adorable.

No, just… no. I guess not everyone’s born to rule like me.